Monday, June 29, 2009

Seems like my shadow marks every strike.

Roast beef "French Dip"

Graduation was a blur of black caps and gowns, people I love and an unbelievable amount of floral goodness + a ridiculous and obnoxiously large Cookie Monster balloon.

Less than two minutes after I handed the lady my name card (my middle name spelled phonetically: Me-young), I walked across the stage without ever really looking at the person who's hand I was shaking, because honestly--I could care less. The whole process took less than ten minutes--the actual act of "walking" was probably about three. The only thing I could really think about during the hour and a half ceremony was how much I wanted a roast beef sandwich (mostly due to the fact that dinner the night before had been skipped, as well as breakfast and lunch the day of, in a futile effort to look a cm or two thinner for countless graduation photos).

So... I commenced right? I graduated? I'm free from the shackles of a four year undergraduate university?


I have never felt so directionless and lost in my life.

Everyone (at least those of the Asian American culture) knows that after high school is college. But what's after college? No one tells you about that terrifying and paralyzing place.

I have a plan. I do. I know who I am and ultimately, what I want to do and be. Right now though, it sure as hell feels like I'm a hopelessly useless heap of waste.

I have three years of my life packed away into nine boxes just sitting on the floor of my room and I cannot find even an ounce of motivation to try and unpack those three years. Because it'll feel like I failed. I never imagined that after four years of college I'd end up living at home again-- feeling unsure and feckless; jobless and (almost) hopeless.

I'm not afraid of a lot of things. But I'm scared shitless of not knowing. I don't know what I'm "supposed" to be doing, or what I should be doing, or what I will be doing a year, six months, a week from now.That thought scares me so much that I can't sleep at night, I've lost three pounds, and I'm never hungry (and if you know me at all, you know that there's not a lot of things I love doing more than eating and sleeping).

The definition of the word commence is: to begin.

I'll let you know when that beginning actually begins.
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