Wednesday, April 23, 2008

P.S. I'm still not over you.

There's so much of me that he still gets.
No matter what I don't say he still understands.
Yeah, I'm a girl and yeah, that makes me dumb because I can't, and don't know how to let go.

I know that what we have is so ephemeral and so unreal.
But I know that it'll always be there.
No matter how hard I try to ignore it, or kill it, or make it go away, it won't.

Because that's just what we are.
After two hours on the phone, nothing got resolved.
It never does.
And truthfully, it probably never will.

But I was different this time.
He felt it too.
I'm not desperately pining and wanting to be with him anymore.
Yes, I still love him; yes, I always will.
But I'm fine.

I'm confused, and I know that there's so many unanswered questions still, but I can't be with him when he's not ready.
Right now, he's not.
And for the first time ever, I'm okay with that.

I also realized this time around, that if I ever needed him...
For anything, I can call him.
I can. And he'll be there.
I know he cares and I know that he always will.

Knowing that, I guess I feel relieved.
A lot more reassured I guess.
Because, even if he and I can't ever be friends, and we can't ever be each other's significant other again, we'll still have something.

So what, if I'm in love with him?
That's okay.
I just need to be okay with it.
I need to stop feeling guilty with other guys because I feel like he wouldn't be happy with me being happy.

Maybe he'll never be ready for me.

That's okay.
As long as I know that I always have him...
A small piece of him, I'll be okay.

I need to be done with dysfunctional relationships.
E. and D.?
So, so, bad for me.
There's a part of me that already knows that neither one of them is going to work out.
So why am I still here right?
I need to stop being afraid of failure.
I already know that that's my greatest fear.
I know that the reason that I have such a hard time letting go of things is because I can't get over the fact that I've failed.
But I really need to stop that, because if I fail at something, I need to learn from it, pick up the pieces and move on.
With a lot of things in my life, I can do that.
I need to start doing that with this too.
I need to start collecting the pieces of my heart and putting them together.
How can I possibly give someone all of me, when I don't even have all of me yet?
Everyone needs to fail to learn.
I need to fail, and realize that failing isn't the worst thing in the world.

I know now, that I'll always have him.
I know now, that I'll always love him.
I know now, that I'm okay without him.

He IS it for me.
But that won't stop me from being happy anymore.