Because I'm way more coherent when I write.

What I want, and what's good for me are two completely different things.
90% of the time, 90% of my life, I pick what's good for me.
As much as I want something, I'll usually deny myself of it because I already know; it's not good, it's not healthy, it'll mess things up, it'll screw me over.
So I guess that makes me into someone who plays it safe.
I'm the type of person who is open to trying new things (and discovering new things is love), but for the most part I like to stick to the things I know, the things I like, the things that have made me happy before. (Again, with the whole issue of me not being able to let things go.)
I usually have a pretty good handle on what makes me happy.
And 90% of the time I know that what's good for me will make me happy (even though choosing to write a paper over going out sucks in the immediate sense; the end product of seeing an A, or A- on my paper is a lot more gratifying than waking up with a hangover and clothes drenched with the smell of cigarette smoke) in the long run...
Sometimes though, I want to have what makes me happy, right now.
Right.
Now.

I'm old enough, and jaded enough to know that any relationship comes with the guaranteed promise of getting hurt and disappointed.
I don't fool myself into thinking that someone will be able to make me happy all day, every day.
In fact, I know that the only person that can do that is myself.
However, I also know that, because I'm human I do expect things; I do want things; I do want you to make me happy, at least every once in a while.

I knew (even if I talked myself into ignoring it), going into this that I was probably going to come out of this done.
Broken and messed up and dysfunctional.
But I'm doing it.
I'm still doing it, because somewhere down the line, I fell in love with you and if I leave now; if this ends now I'll never be able to fall out of love with you.
It'll always feel so unfinished and anticlimactic.
More than anything else, I hate that.
The writer in me won't let me abandon writing this story.
I have to finish it.
Even if the ending is doomed, even if it is a guaranteed tragedy, I have to finish it.

You can understand that can't you?
Just because I told you how I feel doesn't mean I expect more from you.
What I want from you is exactly what you've already been giving me.
I want what you give me, until I want more.
Once I start wanting more, I'll know that it's time to kill it.
I know that it's the end.
I see the end of this.
I just don't know when the end is.
But it's not now E.

We need each other.
Just until later.