I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter--

It's like a rock has been sitting in the middle of my chest for two years.
A frozen rock, that's been specially tailored to withstand difficult situations, denial and bitterness.
I'm thawing.
And I'm scared.
The ice kind of seeped into my heart (try as I might to protect it) and I can see the cracks from the pressure.
It's not broken, but it sure as hell isn't whole.

For two years I've been completely blasé with my own emotions.
For someone so completely enamored and obsessed with love, it's kind of paradox.
I guess when it comes to love, I'm a hopeless romantic.
Optimistic; in that stupid way.
Except--when it comes to me.
Then I'm just hopeless.

I thought my heart would feel lighter after I told him.
Instead, it's just heavier because I feel like I just added another burden to his already full, over-worked shoulders.
Selfish.

I like to think, that for the most part I'm a pretty selfless person.
Conversely, when I'm in love, I become the most terribly selfish person.

It would be a lie if I said I didn't want anything from him.
In my head, I know exactly what it is that I want from him, what I want from this, what I want to learn.
I just can't verbalize it.

I want to be his girl.
Not his girlfriend.
Just his girl.
I want to be the one that he wants to share good news, funny jokes, hard times with.
I want to be the one that he thinks about until he finds someone better.
As terribly fatalistic as that sounds, that's all I really want.
At least for now.
Subconsciously I already know that I can't ask him for more than that.
Selfishly though, I want that from him, even knowing that he can't give it to me.

I want to walk away from this--whether it's tomorrow, two weeks, another year from now, knowing that I was important to him.
I want to know that at least, I gave him something worth remembering; even if we never have a title.
Selfishly, I want to be remembered as someone who was important in his life for a period of time.
I just want to know, that at the end of the day, I have the option of falling asleep next to him.
Most of the time, I probably won't even do that, but I want to know that it's possible, that sometimes he wants me there too.
I just need to know that I'm it for him
At least right now.
Just until he finds the right girl.
When he does, then I would bow out.
As difficult as it'll be, it'll be easier then, than now when I have no reason to leave.

There's no solution, because there's no real problem.
I never had a problem with how we were in the first place.
With the exception of last night's talk and this past weekend's weird funk, I've been happy and content with who we are, and what we are, and what kind of relationship we have.
I can still be happy with that.

I feel like that might be my only option.
Riding this out until I'm unhappy with who we are, what we are and the kind of relationship we don't have.
Because that way, at least I'll know that I haven't wasted a year of my life and my emotions for it to end in this dumb, anti-climatic way.

I need to figure things out before the cracks turn into holes.